Life before Ava was completely different. It was fun, fast, dizzy, alcohol-filled, travel packed. It was dates, dinners, lazy Saturdays, newspapers and proscecco mornings. It was Love, but it was carefree, and empty. Never did I feel the compassion, pride and self confidence that I do now, as a Mother. But never did I feel The Fear, either.
Now, I awake at night, sometimes. I worry and Imagine. I wonder how I am responsible for this precious human, how I am going to keep her happy, alive. I ponder at the enormity of it, the responsibility. I am Terrified something will happen to her, and I would never survive it. I have never felt fear like it.
But Love, too. I have never felt Love like it.
I will always be there, in an instant, whenever I can be. I will scoop you up, bring you to me and calm you. I will feel your hot tears and breath on my neck and I will ache to make it better for you. I will always try, and I will make you laugh, every day that I am with you.
I am changed, irreversibly.